Drafted on August 18, 2026.
Revised on August 20, 2026.

Are you an over-thinker? Do you intellectualize all your decisions? Are you convinced that with the right spreadsheet formula, you can find the correct answer to anything? Do you get paralyzed by constantly doing research, talking to friends, or making lists because you are stuck pulling the trigger on a hard decision?

If any of this sounds familiar, you may also be a Capricorn, over-functioning adult who grew up with an angry dad, and/or just have an excessive love for spreadsheets. But sometimes in matters of the heart or other decisions that can’t easily be analyzed with a pivot table, there is a fork in the road you eventually hit. You have to choose one path over another, and it’s not always clear what you should do, but that you need to do something.

In the wake of my divorce, I’ve had to really reckon with developing my capacity for discernment and trusting my gut. By virtue of being an information professional, I’ve also realized I can over-research something to death as a form of reassurance seeking (while procrastinating on taking action). I spent so many years of my marriage self-abandoning and disregarding my own emotional needs that I’ve had to rebuild some of these muscles that were very atrophied.

The test I’ve started to use is noticing where relief shows up for me and when. If a certain path fills me with relief, I assume that I am on the right path. For example, when I think of never dating men again, continuing to only date women, and eventually settling into a lesbian identity, I am filled with total relief, which indicates to me I’m probably heading in the right direction in my late in life queer journey.

Sometimes though, you need a good old-fashioned question format to make things clear, especially when it involves someone else, and especially when that decision may result in some kind of hurt or disruption. Here is the question I ask myself:

“If someone else chose X path before I arrived at the decision myself, would I be relieved or bummed out?”

I’ve used this test before in a professional context, but I’m starting to use it more in my personal life. I find it very helpful in a dating context. If I’m on the fence about whether to continue to date someone, I often ask myself if I would be bummed or relieved if they ended things first. Sometimes I’ll realize I’m not quite ready to end things because I would be bummed if they ended it first, but I’ll ask myself the question again after seeing them again and realize I’d be relieved if they ended it. So that’s my sign to be a responsible adult and make a hard decision, even if it’s scary to take that next step.

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