Started summer 2026
Revised September 18 & 29 and October 7, 2026. 

A common theme for women coming out later in life is that their queer awakening is often triggered by a catalyst, as in another person who they developed a crush on or desired that made them realize they weren’t so straight. I did not have a catalyst who triggered my queer awakening. In contrast, I had a pivotal event that threw open the doors to reconsidering everything about what I thought my life path would involve (read about it at Put Me In, Coach). 

I have a half-baked theory about why catalysts are so common among late in life queer women, and why it takes another woman to kindle their attraction and provides a light out of the fog of compulsory heterosexuality. I’m currently reading Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, and I’m sure there is something here about the concept of responsive desire. But since I have not finished that book yet, I’ll speak to my own observations. I think the catalyst is such a common experience for late bloomers because women are not socialized to understand how desire from within works. Heteronormative frameworks of desire outsource validation from others as a substitute for attraction. In other words, if a man finds you attractive, therefore there must be some kind of spark of desire there. 

As I began to slowly inch towards embracing a queer identity, I began to pay extremely close attention to my crushes.